I’ve done it again. I live in houses for 20+ years at a time. Apparently blogs are easier to move.Also, wordpress.com doesn’t like the idea of a 301 (automatic redirect) so ya’ll will have to click over and update your links and such (sorry. seemed like it was going to work.)On the up side, I have a fancy new URL that’s mine. All Mine!http://notfainthearted.comCome on by and say “hi!” Edit: as of 1:00 AM 11/03/07, This Journey has had 12,951 visits. Thanks everybody. See you at the new place! 

They’re easy to miss. Even easier to dismiss. But those “little things” that friends do, that lovers do, tell you more about what they’re thinking and feeling than even their words.

Sometimes that’s true because we’re not even aware of what we’re feeling. Sometimes our actions speak over our denial of what we’re feeling (or what we’re not feeling.)

And yet, it’s not actions alone that can carry the day. It’s a combination of actions and words and something that maybe can’t be quantified: attitude. (Probably all my sociologist friends would argue that attitude can actually be quantified, but I’m pretty sure it would require a study and statistics and way too much thinking.)

Ambivalence is betrayed by our actions and so is passion.

If I say “Yes, I’ll do something” but then it takes me forever to get it done, that sends a message. On the other hand, if I say “Yes, I’ll do something” and then work for hours over several days in order to do a “little kindness” that says something different.But there’s still something missing in the equation. Something about the recipient of the actions.

For instance, X used to do “little” things around the house that in several conversations he would bring up as evidence that he loved me. For example: “I loaded the dishwasher and started it. Doesn’t that mean anything?” But as the recipient, I didn’t think it meant as much as a couple of things I really wanted him to do: initiate and lead intimate moments and share our true financial picture with me. Among other things I wanted more than not having to load and run the dishwasher.

Now, the next bit is completely wrong and inappropriate, but if one can’t be wrong and inappropriate in one’s own little corner of the blogosphere where/when can one?  

In contrast, Mr. Hockey’s picking up on my unspoken (which was unfair, I should have/could have been direct) hope for return of our email dialog seems to me to be at once a “little” thing and a grand gesture. It’s a little thing to say you’ll do it. And even to begin. It’s quite another to spend almost three whole days clicking “forward” from your sent web-mail folder. Almost 1500 times.

Yes, you read that correctly.

1500. I told you he was a great email flirt! And that doesn’t include most of my responses. Seriously, my folder with the saved mail had about 2500+ on the count when it was blown away.

Or Mr. Hockey going to La Boheme last night. An opera. The second opera he’s been to in his life. And 35 years after the first one. (I’m just saying, there’s a reason I don’t call him Mr. Opera around here, OK?)

X is a sports guy too. The kind of sports guy who couldn’t hear you the last 10 minutes of the 10:00 news. Or Sunday afternoon when “the game” was on. And X went to some of my shows, until I saw that he was sleeping through them and stopped offering him the comp tickets.So, I notice when Mr. Hockey isn’t sleeping in his seat last night. And actually made comments about the show that indicated he was paying attention and processing. Using critical thinking skills and all.

I have no idea if that had anything at all to do with what he thinks of me. It’s just nice to notice. And makes me feel better about pulling out the sports knowledge I gleaned over 25 years with X and putting it to good use in conversation and activities with Mr. Hockey. Afterall, if he’s willing to put forth the effort, so can I.

Reciprocity and all, you know?

Probably, these little things that I’m appreciating with Mr. Hockey are magnified by the swirl of infatuation and all. In some ways, I don’t care. A person who wants to be my friend has done several small but very nice things for me this week  along the way and I’m glad I noticed.

It’s these little road-side bursts of beauty that make the journey bearable.And now for something completely different go HERE and take a look at shopping 30 years ago. And don’t be drinking coffee when you do. Because it really hurts when you snort it out your nose laughing. Makes a lot of sense that I don’t like shopping now, if that’s what I had to deal with through my teen years, doesn’t it?

 I’m going to try this NaBloPoMo’07 thing. Of course, I found the sign-up sight about at about 11 p.m. on Oct 31 so I’ve given absolutely no thought to this at all. Will I use a theme, follow a news story or just continue with my random ramblings. Maybe all of the above….Oh. I guess that’s what I already do. Well, it’s not like I don’t post almost every day already. So, what harm could it do?

Today’s the first day, so hop on the bandwagon and let’s see where it takes us, hmmm?

Speaking of new phases, I realized I entered one yesterday regarding Halloween. It was the first year in over, gee, probably almost 20 years, that I didn’t buy one bag of Halloween candy. Not a single one. I didn’t even buy an individual Snickers bar!!

Now, don’t get all upset and start thinking that I’m some anti-Halloween fanatic. Not in the least. It’s just not all that important an event for me.

And since the boys were with their father, and have essentially aged out of the trick-or-treating age group, I came home from work and took a nap before going out to choir.

And no one beat down my door or threw eggs or T.P.’d the house! See, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to!!

So I figure I’ve got a good 10 years before I have to join in the hilarity again…but that time I’ll be a grandma and it will be fun to torture DS1 or DS2 and their respective baby-mamas (God help me with that) by sugaring up the little dude(s) and sending them back all cranked up on the hard stuff (pixie sticks is what I’ll start with, I think.)

So, there you go. The corporate Halloween bosses aren’t going to get my nickels for a few years. Think they’ll care? 

Edit: Technology update. I’ve decided to go with a hosted solution for the first year. I’ve signed up with BlueHost and downloaded wordpress. According to all I’ve read, it should be transparent to all people clicking over to This Journey here. I’ll be able to set up an auto redirect. I need to remind myself to go slowly and take each step carefully.

And also, I should remind myself to go to work. heh. 

But I think it’s working anyway. I love my new lightbox. L.O.V.E.

I have the floor light set to a timer and it turns on around 5:30 a.m. My alarm (radio) goes off at 5:45. At 6:00 (usually) I turn on my SAD lightbox that I have set up next to my bed and then either

•  sit on the edge of the bed or lay facing the light
• knit
• read
• work on the computer

After the timer goes off in 30 minutes, I usually keep going for about 10 minutes more. Or 30 more. Don’t judge. 

But I can actually feel my body waking up. It’s not just my brain or eyes. I feel it in my core.Maybe it’s just taking more time and being gentler with myself in the morning.

My usual MO is to jump out of bed and start at 70 mph. What a shock, I know. And then jump on the belittling bandwagon when I feel like crap for doing that. Another surprising character trait. whatever. 

So, whether it’s taking time or the light (but I’m sure it’s got a LOT to do with the light) I’m feeling a ton better than a couple of weeks ago.  Even with the cold. Even with the lack of sleep lately. 

Yesterday when I was soooo tired (long week last night combined with staying up way too late Monday night upgrading my silver surfer) I felt OK, just tired.  I did not feel like I was dragging a bucket of bricks around with me everywhere. 

My advice? Everyone at 45 degrees or further north should be issued one of these at the onset of adolescence. 

Note: WordPress is being weird and not putting in or even keeping paragraph breaks. Sorry for the crappy look of this post.   OK. From work it works. Is there something about Safari they’re not telling me??

Last night This morning when I discovered that I had checked the wrong volumn all my saved email was blown away with the clean install, I sent a little email note to Mr. Hockey. Just a little “Oh No!” message

I was performing some maintenance on my computer this evening and  
aside from taking far longer than I wanted it to I’ve lost every  
single email I’d saved.

All the emails regarding the deaconess assembly planning for next  
spring.

All the funny stories from friends.

All the emails between us. All 2533 of them. Yup. I’d saved every one.  
The more detailed and descriptive the better.

I know it’s just a bunch of electrons and really the prize to save is  
the person, but I enjoyed going back and remembering by re-reading  
those emails.

I guess the rest can wait. I’m going to bed (finally!!)

Can we start a new round of email flirting tomorrow?

This morning, after fighting with restoring my calendar and such, I log in to discover that he has started forwarding me all of our emails that he has. All the way from the ‘winks’ on match.com. And although I didn’t memorize all of them to know for sure, it looks like he has them all.

I’m not embarassed to say that I started to cry at the sweetness of it.

In fact, I think I’ll get a little misty every time I think of it.

The install went fine. I know I copied all my ’stuff’ over to the external hard drive. Now, when I’m trying to restore my mail boxes I can’t find the Library.This means every single email I had filed from Mr. Hockey is gone. They were all saved on my laptop in a folder. I know I copied over the Library that had the folder. Now it’s not there.All.Gone. All 5 months worth.Also, my calendar file. And even though I used back-up on that puppy I can’t find it on my iDisk.I might be sick.

I got my Leopard disks and I’ve backed up all my data.

I’m going to start the clean install now.

If I’m not back soon you’ll know why.

(oh. btw. my G4Cube has too weeny a processor to take the upgrade. So I don’t know if my plans for hosting my own blog are going to work out or not. grrrr.)

We’ve had a few of these glorious days lately. (This picture is from the early part of the month up at Mr. Hockey’s cottage.)

This is why I love fall. Those days when the leaves seem to be lit from within against an impossibly blue October sky.

One more today I think. There are a couple of trees in the neighborhood I hope to capture with my camera. If I do, I’ll post.

There was a heavy frost yesterday so hopefully my allergies will be easing up some soon and I’ll be able to enjoy the smells of Autumn along with the sights.

This is Important. Pay.Attention and Don’t.Forget!

You actually said this to SB this morning after church:

“You know, I’ve done my fair share of musical theater in my life. But this little La Boheme gig is an important reminder that I don’t really want it in my life anymore. It’s just too much. I mean if you’re really on a production, your life is like this for 10-12 weeks! I just don’t think I want that anymore. I like my simpler life.”

Did you hear that??

“I like my simpler life.”

and

“I don’t want this [theater] in my life anymore.”

This came out of your subconscious. It just fell out of your mouth. You know that that indicates, given the situation and the topic a Profound Truth of Your Life.

It really seems like so much of your past life is circling back for you to take another taste and see if it’s really really really what you want to have on your plate for the next phase.

Please note, that musical theater, opera, etc. is NOT on the list even though you’re good at it and enjoy doing it. This is the same as not wanting to be a chaplain just because you have some gifts for that. The idea that you don’t have to do everything includes this.

OK. That is all.

Return to whatever you were doing.

I’ve been wrestling around with something lately and sometimes writing about it helps me process my thoughts and gain some clarity. (Sound of the entire blogosphere saying “Duh!”)

I’ve been wrestling with the concept of taking things “One Day At A Time.”

When I used it through the divorce and it’s immediate aftermath, I took it to mean this: I can’t worry about the long term. I’ll worry about getting through today. Tomorrow and next week and the month after that will have to wait until they get here.

Hell, sometimes it felt like I could only worry about and work on getting through the next minute.

I seriously would tell people sometimes I was “taking it one hour at a time.”

This felt healthy actually. In perspective. I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to live the next 40 years. I only had to make it through the next hour.

I thought that perhaps I was using the technique as 12-steppers do (Rich or others you’ll need to tell me if I was even close to the mark.)

The goal was clear: I was taking it one (minute, hour,) day at a time toward “getting over it.” Toward being healthy. Toward being whole.

All that seems pretty good and healthy, right? Of course!

I have a clear understanding of what a person means to take something “one day at a time.”

So, how come, when someone says this to me with regard to a relationship, (let’s say a friendship for argument’s sake) I seem to feel that it is a way to keep me at arm’s length? “Don’t expect to depend on me for anything. We’re taking this one day a a time and that means tomorrow is up for grabs.”

???

But that’s exactly where I go.

I know rationally and intellectually that no one, NO.ONE. can make any promises past today. And at the hardest parts of my marriage, long before I had concluded that the least evil option was to end the relationship, I got through those years one day at a time. One event at a time. One morning, one evening, one meal at a time. Each day, during that dark period, I woke up and chose to stay married. Chose to try again. Chose to stay.

Until I didn’t, of course.

Maybe that’s where the problem comes? I don’t know.

But when you start over, how does that phrase work? Can you make any plans if you’re in the relationship one-day-at-a-time? How far out? Seems like it’s ok to make plans for next Thursday, or even Next Month. But three or four months down the road is too far. Next Spring (or summer, or year) seems like it would be definitely out of bounds.

Maybe it’s not so much a “one day at a time” problem but a trust problem.

Bah! I feel all wrapped around the axle on this. I’m not sure I’m any clearer on what my problem is here. I guess I’ll keep picking at it.